Letter anxiety

Last night my fiancé asked me to write “happy new year” on some cards that we’re sending out to family. My immediate response was “NO.” I can’t deal with the pressure. Every card needs to be perfect. I can’t mess up. My body fills with nervousness and a begin freeze. Hm, that pretty much sums up the narrative in my mind for e v e r y t h i n g.

Even though negative thoughts create an avalanche effect on me, it doesn’t stop me from doing it (sometimes I wonder WTH do I always do this to myself!). I sat down, got some bristol paper from the cupboard to practice on. Well, sort of…

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The top left corner of the photo is where I take out my ink and it immediately bleeds on the paper. Perfect, I don’t have to do this anymore… it’s not going to work. Ciao! Out of frustration I start to  clean up and wipe my brush out on the page while saying to Randal “I can’t do it. It’s not going to work. I’m not going to do it.”

Hahaha ha Just kidding. Again. With that semi-empty brush my arm becomes possessed by the calligraphy demon and I begin to sloppily write “happy”. Something in my mind clicks and I get out the gouache to mix some new ink. I put the nib to paper and it works. Great… ::insert eye roll emoji::

There I go. I struggle with writing “happy” and it’s making me so incredible frustrated. So, I ditch it. I figure I’ll just write happy in small uppercase letters above new year. Problem solved… or avoided, however you want to look at it. Writing “new” was quick and easy. Done. But “year” though. Ugh. I couldn’t get “year” to look decent. There was something about writing the e-a-r in the modern calligraphy style that I couldn’t manage. I folded the paper in half and turned it over and kept going.MVIMG_20180102_072959.jpg

At some point I had to move on. I was spending way to long on this and I needed to get it done. My rational was that it was just going to family, and it’s not like I was going to post it for the world to see.

I didn’t have too many cards to do so, I took a deep breath and went for it. I powered through all the cards and walked away. I didn’t want to see them again.

The next morning, I looked at the finished stack with fresh eyes. Shit. They’re not as bad as I thought. After all the phycological torture I went through, I liked them. These cards are simple, but the story they have is pretty damn interesting.

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PAPER: Bristol Board
NIB: Hunt Imperial
INK: Gouache

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